Engagement Party + Handlebar Ride Home – Tragedy = P in V

Equation By: Chief
Post By: Chief

As a yet-to-be-engaged or un-married couple, an engagement party can be a testing social obligation.  If not careful, unavoidable expectations can quickly stifle whatever good thing you got going on.  The best way to ensure continued P in the V is to take the party for it is, an incredible opportunity to eat and drink for free at a high end venue.

(In this equation, the venue was the Bridge Urban Winery.  For all you hopeful “P in the V’ers,” keep this place in mind as a future date option.  With a view of the Williamsburg Bridge, this half wine tasting room half tapas bar will be sure to give your hot dog a head start down the hallway.)

After taking full advantage of the free food and drink and avoiding, at all costs, discussions about future marriage plans, it is time to plan your trip home.  Contrary to popular belief, the bicycle is a great way to both attract and impress women.  Not only can they demonstrate your physical prowess, but also, your thriftiness.  In the current economic climate, this second quality will not go unnoticed.

If you do not already own a bicycle, it will not be hard to find one.  For cheaper bikes, try craigslist, the flea market in Fort Greene (at Bishop Loughlin Memorial High School,) or Christopher at homelessbikes@msn.com.  Higher end bikes can be found at shops throughout the city.  New York Magazine recommends Landmark Vintage Bicycle or Manny’s Bicycle Shop.

Now comes the hard part, “handlebarring” your lucky lady friend home.  First, you must convince the girl to trust you.  This is the hardest part of the entire operation.  Second, have your lady friend straddle the front wheel with her butt towards you.  Third, tell her to jump, sit on the handlebars, and hold onto your massive forearms for support.  Finally, push forward with your foot resting on the ground while simultaneously pedaling with your opposite foot.  Momentum is essential!  Once you get moving, it will become relatively easy to balance both you and your lady friend.  Keep in mind, the smaller the girl, the less sheer mass you must accelerate to attain balance.  Therefore, gentleman, choose wisely who you attempt to handlebar.  The graph below will help you to understand this complex relationship.

If all goes as planned, this is what the operation should look like.  Note the smiles.

If all goes as planned, this is what the operation should look like. Note the smiles.

As with most P in the V posts, there is an inherent Risk-Reward relationship.  If you pull it off, you will, undoubtedly, get P in the V.  However, if tragedy strikes, you will find yourself alone with your H on your P.

The easiest way to avoid tragedy is to be confident, not cocky, while performing this stunt.  Lets say you decide it would be a great idea to combine handlebarring with another bike stunt.  I assure you, your lady friend will hit the ground, face first, faster than you can take your hands off the handdlebars to ride no handed.  As you could imagine, this massive breach of trust could not be fixed with a few SpongeBob Band-Aids.  Do not let this happen to you.

This is what tragedy looks like.  Avoid this at all costs.  Note the frown.

This is what tragedy looks like. Avoid this at all costs. Note the frown.


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